Why am I doing this?

Sunday, April 1, 2001 6:05 PM

Well, I was encouraged to do this web journal by my friend Shae. The surgery on the other hand has been a year long process of research and soul search. Shae has been doing the Weight Watchers thing and has lost over 50 lbs in the last few months. It's working for her, and yet she completely supports my decision to have this surgery. She's a little scared for me though and I think she may have read more on it than I have! I'm beginning to realize what a huge huge change this is going to be for me psychologically as well as physically, and I am going to take her suggestion of journaling this trip and I'm going to slap it on the web while I'm at it.

Me: I grew up as a skinny kid, and didn't really learn to eat for comfort until I was about 13-14 years old. My stepmother put me on a diet for the first time at age 13 when I had gained 20 lbs over the summer. Granted I was growing, but somehow this was offensive to her. I ran track and cross country that year and got down to 103lbs at 5' high. I was impossibly skinny, but I still thought I was fat. I remember jumping on the medical scale in the gym after running five miles at cross country practice and being so proud. Then going home, reporting this to my stepmother and not receiving the praise I thought I was due. (it's ALWAYS the mother isn't it?!) I think it was around the summer before my sophmore year in highschool that I really started to gain. Even then, I was "thick", not necessarily fat. I learned through my early dieting years to hate my body, and hate the curves I had developed, even though they weren't that unhealthy. Low self-esteem and emotional battles drove me up to 210 in my Junior year, and then starvation drove me back down to 160. When I graduated I was back up to 210. After high school I moved out of my dad's house and soon learned what real starvation was. Nothing like choosing to pay your own way to make you skip meals during the day! I got down to 145 when I was in my early 20's and slowly crept up to my current weight of 310. I remember being a size 16 or so and watching a Donahue show about people who had lost weight. One woman on the show had been as high as size 22 and I remember thinking "Good god, how could anyone let themselves go like that?".

Little did I know. I'm a size 26/28 now. I look back at pictures of myself in high school when I thought I was so incredibly fat and I just want to cry. What the hell is it that makes young women's views of themselves so skewed? I would do damned near anything to be back at that size, that weight, that health level. To be able to run again, to be free and have a womanly body. I feel so strongly that I want to help young women with these issues, that I want to help them see themselves as beautiful whether they are a size 2 or a size 16. I want to help them before they turn to food as comfort... before it's too late.

So here I am, about to do that "damnned near anything". In 1.5 weeks I will be going to The Alvarado Center for Surgical Weight loss and undergoing RNY with Dr. Wesley Clark.

I'm scared out of my mind. I'm scared, excited, scared, anxious, scared, and desperately impatient for it to be done. I want to make it work. Not only am I going to have this surgery, but I'm going to give up sugar and flour. I really believe I'm addicted to them. Even now in the days before my surgery, I'm going balls-out eating everything I crave. Starchy bready things. Cinnamon rolls, ice-cream - everything I won't be able to eat again. Even as I satiate this need to eat complete crap, I feel... I don't know. Bad. Rotten as a matter of fact. Why do I need these things? I know it's always been an emotional issue, but sometimes it really feels like an addiction. I think in the back of my mind I may be setting myself up for failure. One thing at a time... one step... baby steps. "I feel Good, I feel Great, I feel Wonderful".

So what would I ultimately like to look like? The pentultimate goth girl. Pale, soft, with just the right amount of dancer's curve. The athlete. Tan, hard and muscular. The model. Lean, long and razor sharp.

What should I expect to get? Me. Only smaller, fitter, healthier. I'm lucky to be built with an hourglass/pear shape. I'll always be curvy, I'll always have a butt, and a belly, and probably batwings too. But I'll be healthier, free... I want to go rock climbing. I want to run again. I want to skydive and learn to snowboard. Maybe even jump on a skateboard again (ow, asphalt and concrete). Dancing... crawling all the SF goth clubs in a corset and impossibly high heeled kick-ass shoes. Maybe even have kids. Right now I'm not sure on this issue. All I know is there's no way in hell I'm having a baby at this weight.

I could give a rats ass about bikini's and board shorts. All I want is freedom of movement, strength and freedom.... I feel imprisoned in this body. I sweat, I huff and puff just walking across the parking lot to work. I huff up the short flight of stairs at my house. My ankles and knees hurt like hell when I get up from sitting more than 30 minutes and I limp my first few steps. I don't fit well into movie theatre seats, and I can't lower the tray table in the coach section of an airplane, I have to rest it on my belly. I'm lucky enough to be able to snap the seat belt in at the very longest length and only take up one seat, though the person next to me better not have a problem with my thigh and upper arm encroaching on their space. It's always so nice to take an aisle seat so you can spill over into the aisle way, and then have the flight attendants whack you with those freaking carts as they go by, or passengers brush you on their way to the bulkhead. I make the "dad" sound when I get up from the sofa...

Well, obvoiusly this was a good idea, because I'm just spilling over with things to say! I'd better stop for now.

I'd like to say thank you to Shae for this idea and for all your unending support, and understanding... You've been the best friend a girl could wish for, and I know you can do it too. You and me girl, we're going places with our new bods. Also thanks to my husband for all his support, and patience and for being the voice of reason and caution while I was making my decision to do this. And last but not least my mom. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine".

Carrie

Monday, April 2, 2001 9:09 PM

So here I am again. It's late in the evening after a day of work. I just got off the phone with my mom. She's so damnned cute. I'm apparently sitting here with a passle of angels piled around me. She says they are blonde, and I picture them with black wings, black robes, pale faces with flushed cheeks, lounging on our sofas, grinning. I've had them for years. Ever since I started driving my VW Squareback she started telling me about them. I think the ricketyness of that car made her a little nervous. Or perhaps it was just that I was on the road, driving.

I'm not sure really what I'm feeling today. My husband and I made dinner, it was nice to eat a home cooked meal. I ate a ton of salad. I'm craving all these things that are good for me, as well as the bad stuff. My husband has been so great through all of this. The real test will be during the surgery, but he's such a calm person I know he'll be great like always. (Dank 'oo honey). Okay, try not to retch, I swear that's the last of it.

I'm not feeling too inspired today. I just want to get some sleep. I go through these cycles of insomnia now and again. I feel like I'm in one now, but I really believe it's just because I am so excited about this. I'm doing my best to get things cleaned up at work, get things done so that when I come back I won't be under so much pressure. I have a ton of documentation to get out by May 1st... Ugh. I'm a master procrastinator, I tell you. I'm also thinking about dragging out my huge suitcase and starting to pack as I think of things. Vitamins, jammies I bought for the days after. We are going to be in San Diego for 2.5 weeks, so I'll need lots of clothes, etc. Thankfully our timeshare has a laundry facility on site. Mom's coming with us too, so we'll be sharing the space for a few days. I think it will be fine.

Welp, that's it for today...

Thursday, April 5, 2001 4:35 PM

We're on the road... sitting at the base of the Grapevine on Interstate 5 on the way to San Diego. I had a chance to see a bariactric surgeon in Pleasanton, which is about 45 minutes from our home in San Jose, but I had already been approved by Alvarado when I heard about the place in Pleasanton. I could have waited and had a consultation on April 9th, and then waited some more while going through their approval process, etc., but I really wanted to get this over with. Even though it's a pain to travel this far to have the surgery, I feel its worth it. Thankfully we were able to arrange cheap lodging and everything else seemed to fall into place. I feel really lucky that things have turned out as well as they have... I grew up all my life with a guarded optomism. My glass was most always half empty, but I hoped it was half full. Even now with the approval, and insurance process having gone so smoothly, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know?

Keith just got back into the car and recounted his experience with the public restroom at the Texaco we are stopped at. Okay, back on the road. The hills surrounding us are covered in green, there are clouds forming in the south and the sun is heading down. Rays of sunshine are bursting through the clouds. I'm feeling pretty good about everything. Started taking vitamins a few days ago. Biotin for hair loss, calcium citrate, b12 and a huge multivitamin. I'm not so sure it's going to be easy to choke that stuff down later, but we'll see.

There is snow on the mountains up here... The Los Angeles mountains. I had no idea.

Friday, April 6, 2001 5:24 PM

Okay, so the typing on the laptop in a moving car made me nauseous.

I had my labs done today. Got to the medical center at 9am and left a 5. Ugh, worse than being at work, let me tell you. I had blood drawn, peed in a cup, an ultrasound of my galbladder, uterus (had to make sure it was empty!) and ovaries. Then paid the surgical fees not covered by insurance. I started to write a personal check for the amount (Alvarado estimates the amount at $4,000) and the dismayed insurance adjuster let me know that "we have already talked about" the fact that I was supposed to bring a credit card or cashiers check. I must have spaced that conversation. So Keith and I motered over to the local Ralphs grocery with a Wells Fargo branch and got that taken care of. Saw Dr. Clark and had a fun conversation with him. He's a very laid back guy, easy to talk to. I was a little apprehensive walking into his office, but then we got to talking about computers, and it was all good. I got to finally eat after the ultrasound, then we headed over to the main hospital for my chest x-ray and talk with the anesthesiologist. The admitting nurse asked if I had a "Living Will" or "Power of Attorney" and then gave me paperwork on it. I decided to forgo the option because I believe Keith will do what's practical and best for my health. I told him to unplug me if I went into a coma and was pronounced brain dead, and to burn me if I died. He took that all rather calmly, but threw me a couple of odd looks. Poor guy, he's being such a good sport. I said "At least I have life insurance". And of course he said "What would I do with it?" I told him to take the money and work on his dream of creating worlds and modules for TSR. Not to be a fatalist or anything but anything can happen. I could always throw a blood clot and croak. I have a really good feeling about everything. Everyone at Alvarado was super nice and Dr. Clark has a really strong handshake. I like that in a person. Noodly handshakes give me the willies. The anesthesiologist had a cold and clammy handshake, but I don't think he's the one that's going to be doing my surgery. At least I hope not.

I have to have all my eating done by Sunday night. Eat light on Monday and a light breakfast on Tuesday followed by 8-10 ounces of Citrate of Magnesia which turns out is the mother of all laxatives *ahem*. So anyway, it behooves you to get all your scarfing done a few days ahead of the surgery so that when you do your "bowel prep" there's not as much suffering involved. I'm going to be a barrel of fun for mom, cause that's the day she arrives. It'll be like "Hi Mom!" as I bolt for the bathroom. Oh well.

Well, that's it for now. Keith and I are going to Dave and Busters tonight for dinner and drinks and video games. He really digs video games, and even though I'm not a fan I do like skee ball and racing games. It will be fun to spend time there together.

Talk at y'all later!

Saturday, April 7, 2001 11:26 PM

Okay, so I'm lying here next to my happily snoring husband and thinking about my day. Started it by having french toast for breakfast which I haven't had in a long time and probably won't be having much after the surgery. Not that I can't have a couple of bites of anything I want when this is all over, but I'm going to do my damnnedest to do this right.

So I forgot to mention I get to have a Foley Catheter during and after the surgery. I've heard from my friends that have had babies that it's a ton of fun. At least they will be putting it in after I'm out. I also had a chest x-ray on Friday. It was kind of funny. The tech had me change into a gown and let me know my "earrings are okay". I then began to giggle to myself at what he'd find on the x-ray... For those of you that know me, you'll know what I mean. In any case I'm going to get a copy of the x-ray and make a light box and slap it up in my home as artwork.

I went to the hospital for a little bit to visit one of the women I've been writing back and forth with on the OSSG list. She had her surgery on Thursday. She ended up having an open procedure rather than a laparoscopic like me and she's one miserable girl. She had muscle spasms in her abdomen the day after the surgery and she said the pain was worse than labor pain. The doc gave her a truckload of valium to try to relax the muscles and it didn't work. Then the anesthesiologist recommended an anti-imflammatory and even though her doc didn't think it would make a difference, after the first dose she was back to normal. She's sleeping in a recliner to make the bathroom trips a bit easier. Sounds like this is going to be a ton of fun to say the least. At least mine will be laparoscopic and hopefully a bit easier. I've her from other lap patients that they really didn't have much pain at all. My friend on the other hand has drains, and a local anesthesia bag that hangs around her neck and delivers local anesthetic to the surface of her skin where the incision is. Eeeek. I also saw one guy at the hospital on my pre-op test day and when I asked him how he was he said "I didn't get the plate number on the truck that hit me, but I'm doing allright."

Keith is so damnned cute when he wakes himself up snoring. Now he's making cute little "Will you turn that goddamn light off now?!" noises. So I think I'll go for today and let the poor boy get some rest. I do want to say thank you to all of my friends who are pulling for me and encouraging me. My friends are my family and I swear I am one hell of a lucky sibling.... I love you guys!!!

Monday, April 9, 2001 10:23 PM

Spent the day tooling around San Diego. It's been mostly raining here. Yesterday was a really nice day and we stopped in at a street faire and took in the local flavor in Carlsbad. Lots of neat stuff to look at, but we didn't buy anything. I was feeling pretty good about myself, comfortable with me until I got a look at myself in one of the mirrors set up by a street vendor selling beachwear. Nothing like seeing all 300+ pounds of yourself to put a kink in your day. *sigh*

I mean, don't get me wrong, I know I got myself into this. Some people think it's an impulse control problem, some an emotional problem, and some a genetic problem. I'm not sure what the hell the deal is other than I feel guilty for whining about my weight and I feel like I should be able to do something about it on my own... Hell with it. I am doing something about it with this surgery. It's not a cure, it's a tool. I'll still have to struggle with eating healthy and getting my ass off the couch and going out for exercise, but somehow this whole process forces you to do things you wouldn't otherwise do on your own. That's the theory anyway. And I've seen it work for hundreds on the web, and a couple people in person.

I've been really nervous the last couple of days... I suppose that's healthy! If I weren't scared, there'd be something wrong with me. I just talked to my mom. She gets here tomorrow and is staying without a schedule for now. I'm really glad she is coming. At first I felt like I wanted this to be a private thing, but after a few weeks of pondering, I knew I wanted my mom to be there to help me through this. She's such a supportive person. We drive each other crazy now and then, but I think that's just the way it's supposed to be.

Keith and I saw "Enemy at the Gates" today. VERY good movie. War, suspense, romance, courage... the whole trip. We also saw "Along came a spider" on Saturday. It was decent, but nothing to run out and see. They play it up like another "Seven", but it's not even close.

I had all kinds of things rolling around in my head today, but this is all I've got for now. I'll write a bit more tomorrow before I go in!

Tuesday, April 10, 2001 7:30 PM

I de-virginized the car today. No no, nothing that exciting, I can assure you. We were driving around the airport parking lot this morning looking for a spot so we could go pick up my mom.. I was getting cranky and we finally spotted a "60 minute" spot. I backed down the row the wrong way rather than pulling around to the end of the aisle from the other side and I backed straight into a Ford Windstar mini-van and cracked their bumper. Our car has a scratch and is now less than perfect. Instantly I have learned the dimensions of our car. Feh. Anyway, left a handy dandy note, and haven't heard anything from the owner just yet. I hope no one pulled the note off the car. That would suck. But my karmic debt has been paid.

Shae told me that people are really starting to get nosy at work. I hope that by the time I get back I'll have had a heart transplant. We'll see how it goes with her information planting. To hell with them, it's no body's freaking business! Besides, they'll figure it out soon enough when I drop 100+ pounds... As Shae put it "those darn gallbladders.."

Mom is very politely eating her snacks outside even though I keep telling her it's okay to eat in front of me *grin*. I had to take that Magnesium Citrated stuff a few hours ago and boy was that fun. Mostly water exiting, but clearing me out clean. I told mom if I take in a deep breath, my bootie will whistle at the other end. Now I'm just drinking water, doing a few hail marys and listening to my tummy rumble.

Tomorrow is the big day... my rebirth, the trip to the "other side" as so many other WLS patients put it. April 11th, 2001.. the beginning of my journey to normality..

WOOOO HOOOO!!!!!

post more in a few days....