As far as my head goes, my anxiety is still gone, which I'm VERY grateful for, but my depression is not. I'm functional, don't get me wrong. I don't spend hours of the day bawling my head off or anything, but I feel just. Bleh. No mojo. No motivation. No interest in anything. When I really do start thinking about how I feel (like now, when I'm not eating sugar or flour again), I really do want to cry. I remember having energy, I remember wanting to go out and do things, projects, activities. Right now I'd rather just go home and go to sleep or zone out in front of the TV. I'm totally uninterested in going to the gym. I went once over vacation, and then again yesterday. I just did 30 minutes on the treadmill at a fast pace and went home. I did NOT want to be there. When I lost all that weight while battling with the anxiety, I think it was a freebee of sorts. As soon as the anxiety was gone, the depression was left and I started eating my head off again and regained almost all the weight I lost. I went off sugar and flour last week and when the sugar coma/haze lifted, realized why I'd been eating. Because I'm still depressed.

Allright, that's enough whining for one day. I'm not going to let my depression be an excuse to keep eating like crap, so that has stopped. Now I just gotta deal with my head. Raar.

On another topic, I think I'm getting sick. I'm so bummed cause I really want to go snowboarding this weekend. Shae had the creeping death all through our last weeks vacation and just came back to work today. She's still hacking up a lung, it sounds sooo painful. I don't think I caught anything from her cause when I woke up this morning my face was all puffy, and my head was stuffed. That's progressed to achy head and neck and back, hot eyes and sniffles. Shae had me crank myself full of cold medicine and ibuprofen from the Fist Aid kit in the break room after lunch. I think she's vicariously drugging up through me because she's pregnant and can't take any cold remedies herself.

Speaking of letting it all hang out on my blog (wasn't I a while back?) one of my girlfriends I read all the time had a blog and people from her workplace got a hold of it. After that happened she really started watering down her posts, not really letting it all hang out. I mean, I feel the same way, no way in HELL would I post some of the crazy shit I feel on this place *smirk*. Anyway, so she moved her blog to a new site and started really letting it all hang out. She had posted a random non-cheesy pic of herself in a bra, and said a few lewd things in the blog. She happened to put a link in her blog that was searchable by Google and someone from work found her that way and read and saw everything. She freaked and took the blog down, here is a quote from an email she sent out to her faithful readers (like me) after she yanked the blog off the web:

"Just wanted to let you guys know that I closed my blog. Nothing is wrong with me. I posted the link to (edited) thethingandthething.c0m on my site and some people from work found my site from the search.
Since it was new I don't think there was too much incriminating stuff on there, other than a racy picture. lol So now they will know I hate my husband, love my boys, think about sex, talk about sex and have a nice rack."

Hi
larious. Oh well. I told her she should just send me a daily digest on her life!

I just got a call that my new glasses are in. I had my old ones lenses replaced with the new prescription and I got a new pair of man-glasses. Mens Calvin Klein frames, huge. I'll post a pic of myself in them. I'm sure everyone will think they are ugly and that I look like ass, but I love them.

I think I'm a little loopy from all the cold medicine *smirk* I better get off this thing before I really start babbling.

Sunday we got up early and went to Sierra Summit. Keith skied and I snowboarded. At first my feet kept cramping up and my toes went numb and I was miserable after 3 runs. I loosened my boots and bindings a little bit and that did the trick. Got a good groove going and some real speed, it was great. I fell on my bum a few times, but nothing major happened. That's the 1st time I've been back since I had my knee surgery last year. We had a blast. I'm SO sore today!

Depression-wise I'm feeling better. I saw my therapist last week and she changed the type of medication I'm on. I was using an "SR" which means sustained release. That's designed for people with normal digestive tracts that can handle time-released medications. My guts are on the fast track so we really aren't sure how much of the stuff I'm absorbing on a daily basis. We decided to try an "IR" immediate release version instead. It means I have to take it more often, but I don't care as long as it works. So far it seems to be. I do feel a lot better, and a lot less like moping around the house. Sometimes I think I kind of screwed myself with this surgery in a way. If I'd just gotten treatment and lost the weight normally, I could take meds and not have to screw around so much to find what works with my re-routed intestines. Then again, who's to say if that ever would have happened? What's done is done and I would still do it again in a heartbeat if I had to.

Keith and I have been talking about kids off and on for months now. The way I feel right now is that I want them, but not right this second. Keith feels the same way. I like our life, I like how things are and I don't feel this burning need to change them by bringing a child into our lives. I sometimes think of not having kids, but then I worry about regretting that decision. I think whether I have them or not, I will have regrets either way, so I just have to figure out what I really WANT. Maybe we won't decide to have kids till we're in our 40's. There's nothing wrong with that. Plenty of people do it.

One thing about being older parents that I think about is how much older we will be as our children grow up. Will we live to see them have their own families? I think about Keith and I getting older, and whether or not we will need assistance before we die. I really want he and I to grow old together healthfully as well as happily. I want us to be a couple of those incredibly old people who still do fine taking care of themselves and are independent till the day they die. I mean sure, we can have someone drive us around once in a while because he can't see very well even with his glasses and I'm even more dangerous behind the wheel... but I don't want to get to the point where we have to move in with our kids or god forbid, a nursing home!

Who knows what the future brings? I just have to concentrate on what I WANT out of life, and not what I or anyone else thinks I SHOULD do.

This morning I woke up at 4:35 am and instead of rolling over and trying to go back to sleep till my alarm was scheduled to go off at 6:20am, I got up and went to the gym. By the time I'd fussed with my bed head hair and crammed myself into my gym clothes it was 5:00am and time for the gym to open. I got there 5 mins later and was greeted by a sea of people happily hogging up most of the cardio equipment. Frigging New Years Resolutions *grumble* I hopped on one of the arm/leg combo elliptical machines for 40 minutes, then did Bosu crunches, bicep and tricep lifts and staggered to my car. When I got home I laid on top of my bed in my sweaty gym clothes for 40 minutes, trying to recover from working out on serious short sleep and a 2.5 month break from doing any cardio. It felt good, and I'm ready to go back to the gym full time again, I just have to work on getting to bed early and getting enough sleep. That was my struggle a few months ago, but I know I can conquer it.

I'm really really really craving a 3x tall soy latte *sigh*. I had a regular coffee with half and half and some Splenda this am. It is so NOT the same. Blech. I think the reason I am craving it is because I'm bored out of my mind. I'm procrastinating big time on a few things I need to get done at work while AT work, and therefore I'm not getting them done, and I'm bored. When I'm bored, I want to eat something. Or drink. BLEAH

On to the rest of things. I went up to the mountains on Saturday night because I was feeling much better that morning. Paul and I spent about 4 hours on the runs and I went all the way to the top lift, it was awesome. I didn't do any black diamond runs, just blues, but I had a fantastic time. I had asked my boss the week before for Wednesday off and we went again yesterday. I met him at a carpool area that was sort of in-between for both of us to get up to the ski resort. We spent about 5 hours on the runs and really tore it up. He taught me how to do jumps, now I just need to spend some time working on landing and practice. I fell a couple of times, whacking my knee so its a bit sore and swollen today. I guess that's always going to be a sensitive/weak spot for me.

Didn't do much this weekend. Saturday evening I started feeling crummy. Not to be too graphic, but when I start eating low-carb I end up feeling backed up, but nothings backed up if that makes sense? I can feel my guts rumbling big time and I feel like there's a football in my stomach. I felt that way when I woke up on Sunday am and ended up staying in bed will about 2 when Keith bugged me to get up. We went to Chili's, I had a salad, and then we went to see Underworld. I think my stomach is more settled today. Maybe adding back in the grains will help. More fiber to move I guess *smirk*