13 days without nourishment she went. I had no idea the body could go so long. The hospice nurses say it all depends on a person's will to live. Grandma just wasn't ready to let go and was stubborn and strong. We were happy to have her, to be able to talk to her, tell her how much we loved her. She had 11 children. 6 girls including my mom and 5 boys. I have tons of 1st and 2nd cousins... I met quite a few while I was there. With my parents divorce and all that there wasn't as much opportunity for me to see these people growing up. It was wonderful to bond with my cousin Debbie while I was there.

Thursday evening I said good bye to grandma and came home. Keith let me use him for a free-standing snot rag as soon as I walked in the door. What a wonderful husband I have.. raar. I knew that grandma was comfortable, that she was basically going to sleep into death and that my mom and aunts were going to be okay. I had already taken a week off of work and had things I had to take care of at home... and I was emotionally exhausted. I felt awful.. but I knew it was the right thing to do for me. I wasn't very close to grandma, but I was there for my mom. I feel so much for my cousins and aunts and uncles who feel that acute pain of losing someone so very very precious to them. Grandma was an angel in our family. Our Matriarch. When the time comes for my mom to go, I'm going to feel this... I am very sad to lose Grandma.. .she raised a beautiful family and was wonderfully strong for such a soft-spoken woman. I have good strong memories of her, and I can still hear her voice in my head.

Now comes the aftermath of caring for the family, making arrangements... I'm dazed I guess. I think being there to help care for grandma for 5 days really helped me say goodbye. It wasn't a shock this morning when my mom called. I was taking a bath when I heard my cell phone ring from the bedroom, I almost bolted out of the water, but I knew what the call was about at that moment. I called mom back right after. I am so glad I got to be there for my mom...

I have to mention that home hospice is wonderful and horrible. Wonderful for the patient, to be home, in their home, in their bedroom, with their family. It can be wonderful for the family too, but they also say it is hardest on the family. To administer medications, always wondering if you might be hurting them, or doing something wrong... watching the progression and deterioration of your loved one, minute by minute. It's an amazing process...

I called my dad to let him know. He was close to a few of my uncles. They all worked on hot rods together when they were young. Drag racing etc. Dad told me that he had a mini-stroke last week. Doctors say he's healthy as a horse otherwise, but he goes in for a CT scan next week. I'm kind of on hold on how I feel about this just yet. Well, just... on hold till we get the report I suppose. I'm flipping out inside basically but waiting.. heh.

Thank god for this surgery in that I still have a cap on how much I can eat cause stress eating is at an all time high right now. Nothing like being in gradma's house with all my aunts cooking up a storm *smiles*. Thank god for this surgery in that I broke free of my drug of choice, food. I'm not numb anymore, I can feel all this, and you know what? Being aware of how I feel inside is a freaking awesome thing.

My weight is suffering lately. I'm alost at my "drop dead" limit of 155. I promised myself I wouldn't go above that... I haven't worked out in over two weeks. I feel very schloomphy. I will start exercising again this week. I'm ready, I miss it. I want to get to bed earlier than 10pm though in order to get back going at the crack of dawn. Tomorrow is my aerobics class with Christi. I also put together a skateboard tonight. This weekend Keith and I and Carl and Christi (and their kids) went to our friends Drake and Carrie's house for the weekend in the central valley. Hung out, ate good food, played a little D&D and rode their kids Razor scooters *grin*. Christi, Carrie and I did anyway. Man, that's EXCELLENT exercise, especially if you learn how to switch legs. It's like doing squats over and over again when you push off. My hams are killing me today! Anyway, Carrie's husband Drake has a deck, and I tooled around on it a little. I boarded in high school (which is what helps me snowboard now) but it's been more than 15 years... ugh. I feel ancient :) Anyway, I was overweight even then, so I never got very adventurous with it. If nothing else, I'm going to do it for exercise. Maybe learn how to ollie again, but just use it for transportation and exercise. I have had thoughts that a 32 year old woman on a skateboard might look @#$% ridiculous, but I have to say, I don't give a rats ass what anyone thinks. I missed out on all this stuff when I was heavy, and I'm still young enough to experience most of it. Maybe I won't be able to run down the sunset beach in a bikini, but I sure as hell can have fun skateboarding, snowboarding and working on cars.... and giving in to my girly side by wearing pink and wearing heels once in a while. Raar.

Some of our IT team mates got laid off today. Spread out across the country... but one very dear to me in San Jose. He'd been with the company for over 5 years, taught me lots of things, and was always a good buddy at work. I cried... he was stoic. Even my boss, who had to lay him off, broke down. It SUCKED. This is the 6th layoff in 2 years that I have survived. Today blew my mind. This guy had the big brains in the IT dept. I don't see how they would keep me over him. There was no good reason for him to be going other than they had to cut heads. I don't know what to do with myself. The rest of the day was crap. Endless on-call phone calls, people with stupid problems, stupid people with big problems... I ran around like a chicken all day then came home, immediately grabbed 3 therapy plates out of the cupboard and smashed them on the porch. Then I picked up all the bigger pieces and smashed those too. I cut two fingers, but damn, it was worth it. I highly recommend this kind of therapy. Go to the thrift store... .99 cent store or whatever, buy a stack of plates and cups, and set them aside for those really frustrating-I'm-so-!@#$%-mad-I-could-cry kind of days....

I've been to the gym two days in a row. Ran 3 miles a day. I only had to walk a little, adding 6 and 4 minutes to my usual running time by doing so. I lifted weights today... arms. It amazes me how much better I feel during the day when I work out. I lost sight of that a couple of weeks ago, but now I'm back on it. It's really good for stress relief as well.

I am in a deep blue funk. Hopefully that will change soon...